Guest blog: Kerry Forsell on dating after divorce - You are beautiful. Just as you are
Updated: Nov 18, 2020
You are so beautiful. Just as you are.
Don’t let anyone tell you differently. You are more than just a body, a head, a scar, a wrinkle or a dimple. You have a rich and vibrant soul. You have experiences and knowledge and wisdom to share. You have love and kindness and compassion to give. This is so important for you to understand and believe about yourself. You are truly the whole package and someone out there isn’t going to want to change a thing about you. They are going to celebrate that you came into their life.
I stumbled on this belief for quite a while. I still get stuck on it from time to time. We all have our insecurities. What we really need to understand is that we are unable to take in the fullness of beauty that is all of our essence, not just what is reflected in the mirror.
Over my lifetime, I had unfortunately formed an opinion that I needed to be perfect internally and externally in order to be deserving of love. Perfectionism was the control mechanism to which I clung to hopefully avoid further pain of rejection. I also held onto a belief that everyone else out there was better than me. Why would anyone choose me when there are so many other accomplished beautiful women to choose from?
And then there were the dates that I had where seemingly innocuous comments were made about my outer appearance. Not quite compliments, but not quite insults. It would leave me questioning what I looked like. I was once asked if I ever considered using my divorce settlement to “enhance” my body or if I regretted breastfeeding. Um, the answer is no and no. But it stung and it made me doubt. I had to work really hard to come back home to myself and my body and truly understand that I am so much more than a cup or a dress size. If someone was unable to look past the external presentation of me, they would be missing all that makes me who I am. I am happy in my imperfection. I celebrate my uniqueness. I wouldn’t change a thing because every part of me is an expression of the laughs I had, the sorrows I survived and the children I raised. To not accept what I look like is to deny every experience that has brought me here today and made me who I am.
I think there is a great opportunity in dating right now. Covid is creating an environment where you can spend time getting to know one another with less pressure on the physical presentation of yourself. I can be home in my sweats and unwashed hair and still be me on the phone. I can flirt and laugh and share who I am without worrying about what I look like. I can listen to what is actually being said on the other end of the phone instead of looking.
Physical attraction is so important, and it is enhanced tremendously by learning about someone’s personality. There is trust involved in meeting a stranger due to the health implications of Covid. Instead of jumping quickly to meet and then getting to know one another after physical attraction is established, we are able to learn about each other first and then establish the physical. The physical attraction will only be that much richer once you’ve connected over who you are a person. I hope you are able to explore who you are and what you are truly looking for in a partner during this time. I hope with each phone call you can learn not only about the other person but about yourself as well. Most importantly I hope you accept and love yourself exactly as you are.
You are a wonderful creation and anyone who doesn’t see that is not worth your time.